Three Ways to Improve Your Listening
The burden of better oral communication does not belong entirely with the speaker.
It must be shared by the listener.
As Stephen Covey teaches in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, one should seek first to understand, then to be understood.
And understanding begins with listening.
This got me to wondering: What are three recommendations that I would make to anyone who wants to improve his or her listening skills?
The answer? 1. Give undivided attention! 2. Listen proactively! 3. Summarize!
1. Give undivided attention!
Most of us love attention, and all of us love it when we are trying to tell someone something. So giving undivided attention is an honor that you pay to a speaker, as well as a crucial part of better communication.
The key step to giving a speaker your undivided attention is to put yourself in the speaker’s shoes. If you were the speaker, what would you want your listener(s) to do? The better that you can answer this question, the better that you will be at putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes, and therefore the better that you will be at listening.
The simplest step to giving a speaker your undivided attention is to eliminate external distractions. These can include radio and TV sets, cellphones, and MP3 players. Turn off all “noise-making” electronics. Close the door. Tell others that you do not want to be disturbed, if necessary. And do all of this in front of the speaker, to emphasize to him or her that you are prepared to give your undivided attention.
The most-rewarding step to giving a speaker your undivided attention is to sublimate your agenda(s) while listening. We each have agendas, but better listeners know how to sublimate their agendas — at least temporarily — while listening to others. To help you do this, you can go as far as asking the speaker what his or her agenda is and then thinking about that agenda while listening.
2. Listen proactively!
“Proactive listening” is more than a buzz-phrase. It is a significant approach to better communication.
Proactive listening means body movement. If you sit lifeless in front of someone who is speaking to you, then the speaker will assume that you are not interested in what is being said or that you are exhibiting the passive portion of passive-aggressive behavior. Nod your head while listening. Lean toward the speaker when he or she makes more salient points. Give the speaker a slight “thumbs up” or some other visual acknowledgment when you agree with something.
Proactive listening means acceptance. Arms folded across the chest tell the speaker that you are rejecting everything being said. Hands in pockets have the same effect. Proactively monitor your body language to ensure that the speaker understands that you are receiving what he or she is sending.
And proactive listening means appropriate interjections. If you never say anything while someone is speaking to you, then he or she may assume that you are wearing virtual earplugs. You have to interject with an “Uh-huh” or “Yeah” or other brief expression at appropriate times. And this is especially crucial during telephone calls; otherwise you eventually will get a “Can you hear me now?” from the speaker.
3. Summarize!
You have to summarize in front of the speaker what you believe that the speaker said in order to be sure that you understood what he or she said. The phrase “in front of” can mean physically in front of the speaker or can mean while on the same telephone call with the speaker.
Summarizing in its simplest form requires parroting the speaker’s words. The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency is often given credit for teaching spies that it is not enough for the listening spy to say to the speaking spy something like “Got it” or “Roger”. Instead, the CIA supposedly teaches its spies to make sure that they repeat what they hear from their fellow spies. Otherwise, the sending spy has no confirmation that the receiving spy actually “got it”.
Summarizing in a more complex way requires rephrasing the speaker’s words in your own words. We each have a unique view of the world, which means that our vocabularies do not fully match each other. Putting a speaker’s words into your own words lets the speaker determine whether your internal “translator” correctly processed what he or she said. If the speaker does not understand part of the translation, you and the speaker have an opportunity right then and there to correct the problem.
Summarizing in the most complex way requires analyzing what the speaker said and then synthesizing it into something new. This new synthesis can often stimulate a speaker to visualize what he or she said in a new way. Such a visualization can lead the speaker to use different words, phrases, and sentences to cover the same topic. And those different words can stimulate even more feedback from you as an active listener.
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