Kirk Mahoney . com

I frequently hear this.

Problem:
“I could care less” is the opposite of what is meant.

Explanation:
“I could care less” means that it is possible (“could”) for me to care less. This means that I do care at least a little. When people say, “I could care less,” what they want to say is that they have absolutely no care for whatever the target of their statement is. The only way that this is possible is for them not to be able (“couldn’t”) to care less.

I also believe that omission of “not” (or its contracted form) helps to prove my “Devolution toward Simpler” linguistic hypothesis. It is simpler to say “could” than to say “couldn’t”.

Solution:
“I couldn’t care less.”

I frequently hear “bring” when the speaker means “take” instead.

Problem:
The verbs “bring” and “take” are not interchangeable.

Explanation:
Use “take” when you (or another speaker) are telling the listener to transport something to a location other than where you (or another speaker) currently reside.

“Take” Examples:
1. Please take this package to my friend in London.
2. Jim, who today is in Houston on business, asked Mary to take the package to his friend in London.

Use “bring” when you (or another speaker) are telling the listener to transport something to a location where you (or another speaker) currently reside.

“Bring” Examples:
1. Please bring the package to me.
2. Jim, who lives in Denver, asked Mary to bring the package to him from his friend in London.

Solution:
Use “bring” when the person making the request is at the destination.
Use “take” when the person making the request is NOT at the destination.

I saw this in a company document.

Problem:
“Irregardless” is meaningless in that it means the opposite of what is intended.

Explanation:
People use “irregardless” when they mean the adverb ”regardless”. The confusion could come from the fact that some words can be negated with the “ir” prefix. “Irreverent” is the opposite of “reverent”; “irregardless” is meaningless, on the other hand.

Solution:
“Regardless”

I read this in an email message.

Problems:
1. Any first-person pronoun should go at the end of a list.
2. An “On behalf of” phrase should never include a first-person pronoun.
3. Reflexive pronouns should not be joined with other nouns.
4. Roles that are not job titles should not be capitalized.

Explanations:
1. One should put others first in a list. Here are two examples:
Incorrect: “He gave it to me and Jim.”
Correct: “He gave it to Jim and me.”
Incorrect: “I and Jim are downstairs.”
Correct: “Jim and I are downstairs.”

2. “On behalf of” implies that one party is doing something as a substitute, proxy, or delegate for another party. So “On behalf of myself” makes no sense and implies either an out-of-body experience or too much pride.

3. Even if problem #1 and problem #2 did not exist, it is incorrect to combine a reflexive pronoun (such as “myself”) with other nouns or noun phrases (such as “other company leaders”).

4. The word “Leaders” is not a job title — at least, not in the context of the problematic sentence — and therefore should not be used in this sentence as a proper noun. So it should not be capitalized.

Solution:
“On behalf of other company leaders, I want to thank you….”

I saw all three of these at a fitness center.

Problem:
Inconsistent use of a possessive apostrophe makes it meaningless.

Explanation:
“Kid’s Club” says that there is one kid and that he or she has a club. “Kids’ Club” says that there are many kids and that they have a club. “Kids Club” says that there is a club for kids.

Solution:
Know why you’re using a possessive apostrophe.

I heard this during a conference call.

Problem:
“Today” is an adverb, so preceding it with the preposition “on” is incorrect.

Explanation:
“Today” already tells you when.

For example, the answer to “When will the bus arrive?” could be “The bus will arrive today.”

In contrast, “Sunday” is a proper noun, not an adverb, so the answer to “When will the bus arrive?” could be “The bus will arrive on Sunday.”

In other words, the days of the week, which are proper nouns, require the “on” preposition to tell you when, whereas “today” already tells you when.

Solution:
“It will start today.”

I saw this on an Ikea sign.

Problem:
“Everyday” is an adjective, but an adverb is required here.

Explanation:
“Everyday” tells you what. For example, an “everyday event” is an event that occurs daily. In other words, “everyday” is an adjective; it modifies a noun (such as “event”). “Everyday” in this example tells you what kind of event it is. In contrast, “every day” tells you when. For example, “It happens every day.” The goal of the sign maker is to tell the reader when the store is open.

Solution:
“Every Day – 10 AM to 9 PM”

I heard this during a conference call.

Problem:
“Myself” is the wrong pronoun.

Explanation:
This sentence is an imperative; the speaker is asking the listener to send something to Ellen or to him. This sentence can not be reflexive; the speaker is not talking about something that he is doing for/by himself. “Myself” is a reflexive pronoun, so it’s not the correct pronoun here in this non-reflexive sentence. Instead, “me” is the correct pronoun. To confirm this, imagine the speaker asking the listener to send something only to him: “Please send that file to me.” Adding “Ellen or ” has no impact; “me” remains the correct pronoun.

Solution:
“Please send that file to Ellen or me.”

I heard this during a conference call.

Problems:
1. He is the wrong pronoun.
2. I is the wrong pronoun.

Explanations:
1. You should not say, “Please send it to he.” Instead, you should say, “Please send it to him.” Adding more parties to the list of those receiving what is to be sent makes no difference; the correct pronoun is still him.
2. You should not say, “Please send it to I.” Instead, you should say, “Please send it to me.” Adding more parties to the list of those receiving what is to be sent makes no difference; the correct pronoun is still me.

Solution:
“Please send it to him and me.”

I instant-messaged someone whom I’ll call Kathy while talking with her in a conference call.

I wrote, “I asked, Kathy, about the session sheets because …”

She replied, “…who did you send this to?”

After some confusing back-and-forth, I realized that Kathy did not see the commas in what I initially wrote.

She thought that I wrote, “I asked Kathy about the session sheets because …” That would have been a third-person reference to Kathy. She thought that I had instant-messaged someone else with “I asked Kathy about the session sheets because …” before instant-messaging the same thing to her.

Instead, because I wrote, “I asked, Kathy, about the session sheets because …”, I was referring to her in the first person. I was trying to make my instant message more personal by pausing (with commas) to include her name.

Lessons:
1. Commas can change a third-person reference to a first-person reference.
2. Don’t assume that readers will see your commas, especially in an instant-messaging situation.
3. Don’t assume that a reader who sees your commas will know that these are equivalent to pauses in the spoken version of what you write. If a reader can’t “hear” the pauses implied by the commas, then the reader will read a first-person reference as a third-person reference.