Kirk Mahoney . com

I overheard this verb used in a sentence the other day.

The sentence was something like (quote) “If you want to go to college, then it behooves you to do all your homework in high school.” (unquote).

I had been intending to look up this verb, and I finally did.

You see, I was wondering whether “behoove” was somehow related to the noun “hoof”, the plural of which can be “hooves”.

In particular, I was wondering whether “behoove” in some way once meant to put hooves on (oneself) and had its meaning become a more generic to protect (oneself).

Okay, maybe that is a stretch.

And I should have known better, given my knowledge of Spanish-language false cognates for English speakers.

One of my favorite false cognates is the Spanish word “embarazada”, which looks to many Americans like the English word “embarrassed” but actually means pregnant instead.

But I learned when I looked up the verb “behoove” that it originated a millennium or so ago and is related to the noun “behoof”, which means behalf.

Lesson learned (again!): Check your assumption about the meaning of a word when it looks like another word that you know.

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The notorious Hugo Chávez has been president of Venezuela, a Spanish-speaking country, since 1999.

I believe that many Americans ten years later still pronounce the “H” in his first name, even though the letter “h” in Spanish is silent, because of their ignorance about this aspect of the Spanish language.

Aggravating that ignorance, perhaps, is the fact that the name “Hugo” in American speech is often pronounced with a hard “H” — as when meteorologists repeatedly referred in 1989 to Hurricane Hugo.

What puzzles me more is the pronunciation of the C-H in his surname as if it were spelled S-H instead.

Many Americans know that they should pronounce the C-H in the Spanish words “chico” and “chihuahua” just as they pronounce the C-H in “church” and “chapel” and other English words.

But somehow they get thrown by the C-H in Chávez and end up pronouncing the name as if it were Shávez — with an S-H — instead.

Maybe the confusion comes from the S-H pronunciation of the beginnings of the surnames of such French personalities as Marc Chagall and Maurice Chevalier.

Given the strong influence of French on the English language, this could explain the mispronunciation of Chávez as Shávez.

Another explanation is consistent with my “Devolution toward Simpler” linguistic hypothesis: It is simpler to pronounce the “soft” S-H found in words such as “shoot” and “shout” than it is to pronounce the “hard” C-H found in words such as “chore” and “chow”.

What do you think? Let me know!

I instant-messaged this to a friend last week.

Problem:
The statement is ambiguous without a hyphen.

Explanation:
What does (quote) “Face time matters.” (unquote) mean to you?

Soon after I instant-messaged this statement, I realized that my friend could interpret what I wrote in two ways.

One interpretation of the statement is that I was commanding or imploring my friend to seriously consider (quote) “time matters” (unquote).

In other words, one interpretation of (quote) “Face time matters.” (unquote) is that this was an imperative statement.

The other interpretation of (quote) “Face time matters.” (unquote) is that I was telling my friend that (quote) “face time” (unquote) with other people makes a difference.

These two interpretations are possible because the word “face” is both a noun and a verb and because the word “matters” is both a noun and a verb.

The solution comes from using a hyphen to indicate whether one is talking about about (quote) “time matters” (unquote) or about (quote) “face time” (unquote).

Written schematically, what we have is [NOUN|VERB] NOUN [VERB|NOUN], and any sentence that follows this pattern will be ambiguous without a hyphen between the first and second words or between the second and third words.

Some might argue that using an exclamation mark instead of a period in (quote) “Face time matters.” (unquote) would make it clear to the reader that the statement is an imperative.

Unlike Spanish, which tends to favor the use of exclamation marks for imperative statements, American English seems to have dropped the common use of exclamation marks for imperatives a long time ago.

Using a period instead of an exclamation mark at the end of an imperative statement is consistent with my “Devolution toward Simpler” linguistic hypothesis. It is simpler to write a period than it is to write an exclamation mark (one stroke versus two strokes). And it is simpler to type a period than it is to type an exclamation mark (one key versus two keys).

So the absence of the exclamation mark does not assure American readers that the statement is not an imperative.

But I would counter-argue that the presence an exclamation mark at the end of a sentence with this pattern does not ensure that the sentence will be interpreted as imperative. Instead, the exclamation mark could be interpreted as turning a declarative statement into an exclamatory statement.

Solution:

• Use (quote) “Face time-matters.” (unquote) — with a hyphen between “time” and “matters” — to ensure that the statement is interpreted as an imperative sentence about facing matters of time.
• Use (quote) “Face-time matters.” (unquote) — with a hyphen between “Face” and “time” — to ensure that the statement is interpreted as a declarative sentence about the importance of spending face-to-face time with others.

I have lost track of how many times I have heard this.

Problem:
The gender of the noun does not match the gender of the pronoun.

Explanation:
The noun “bimbo” comes from Italian and refers in Italian to a male child, male infant, or male baby.

As Dictionary.com explains, one of the definitions of “bimbo” in American English is (quote) “an attractive but stupid young woman, esp. one with loose morals.” (unquote).

I do not know how a masculine Italian noun became a feminine English noun that is disparaging and offensive but makes no comment on the target’s sexuality.

But, ever since I learned enough Italian to appreciate the gender pattern in masculine and feminine Italian nouns, whether singular or plural, I have been bothered by how ignorant (quote) “She is a bimbo.” (unquote) sounds.

The feminine form of “bimbo” is “bimba”, which gives us the solution.

Solution:
“She is a bimba.”

As I write this, it is Friday and time for some fun.

Go to the site for the new Pomegranate phone.

Oh my goodness. You have to see this thing!

The Pomegranate phone not only has everything that every other smart phone has today, it also includes a harmonica, a shaver, a coffee brewer, a projector, … and a global voice translator!

This thing rocks, and it makes me wonder when the Amazon Kindle will have all this functionality, too.

The makers of the Pomegranate — initially at model number NS08 — bill it as the ultimate all-in-one device, and I have to agree.

Even the accessories are awesome.

Be sure to click the “Release Date” button for the full scoop!

Do you need a laugh today? Go to Engrish.com.

My wife’s cousin’s husband (almost sounds like we are hillbillies, eh?) retired at an early age and now seems to spend all of his free time on the Internet.

This means that my wife gets tons of email from him — covering everything from conspiracy theories (No, I do not believe that the World Trade Center was bombed by the U.S. government.) to humorous videos (including my favorite: Evil Baby Eye).

Yesterday he sent to her several photos from the website Engrish.com, and every photo made us laugh!

The site accepts photos taken by readers who have spotted bad English on signs, labels, T-shirts, and other products from non-native-English-speaking countries.

Besides the humor — and there is a LOT of humor at Engrish.com — what I enjoy about the website is trying to understand how the translations into English became so mangled and twisted.

Some bad-but-humorous translations seem to be based on a non-native-English speaker hearing an English word enunciated poorly and converting it into writing such that the written form is an English word but not the same one.

For example, the photographed sign shown here refers to “groups” as “grubs”. If you squint your eyes and muffle your ears while reading and saying it aloud, you can see and hear how “groups” became “grubs”.

Other mangled translations seem to fall into categories such as these:

• omitting words (“Perfect Eye Remover”);
• choosing the wrong word (“The Yokohama Climax Hill”); and,
• translations that simply make you say, “Huh?!” (“Chocolate Puke”).

Beyond the photos, what makes Engrish.com especially funny is the comments from the site’s readers.

Many people say that dissection of a joke takes all the fun out of the joke, but those who become good at dissecting jokes become good at creating new ones.

I believe that this principle applies to mistranslations, too, and I could imagine that someone could write a master’s thesis or doctoral dissertation on how translations go askew from one language to another.

Anyway, even if you are not interested in the mechanics of how words get mistranslated but you enjoy mistranslations for their humor alone, then you will enjoy Engrish.com.

I heard this the other day while watching an instructional video.

Problem:
The speaker used the wrong adjective.

Explanation:
The instructional video was about Keyword Elite*, an absolutely awesome tool for generating keywords and optimizing the placement of advertisements on search engines.

I believe that the narrator of the video is Brad Callen, a genius when it comes to Internet marketing.

Brad was discussing how a non-native-English speaker very easily can misspell a keyword when searching for something.

He then picked on himself and said that he likely would misspell a keyword, too, if he were (quote) “not affluent in that language” (unquote).

I strongly suspect that Brad’s use of the adjective “affluent” where the adjective “fluent” was required was simply a slip of the tongue.

So I am not picking on Brad, who seems to be a native speaker of American English or perhaps Canadian English. I could not quite pinpoint the accent.

Instead, I believe that his gaffe teaches us two lessons:

1. It teaches us to lighten up when it comes to language mistakes. Anyone can make them — even geniuses. And you have to admit that being (quote) “affluent in that language” (unquote) is a humorous phrase!
2. It teaches us to have patience with non-native speakers of our language. After all, if someone as smart as Brad can slip up with his own language, then imagine how easy it is for a non-native speaker to use the wrong word.

Solution:
“… not fluent in that language …”

*P.S.
I have obtained a couple of bonuses related to Keyword Elite that I want you to have free right now! Even if you do not have a website now, and even if you do not advertise on Google now, I recommend that you get and save them for future reference.

BONUS #1: AdSense Arbitrage

   

In case you have never heard of AdSense, this is Google’s program for displaying ads on websites like yours.

I am sure that you have seen AdSense ads. They are typically text-based ads that appear in a square or rectangular banner on someone’s website.

A person with a website will put an AdSense banner on a page of the website as a way to display — or “serve up” — ads related to what appears on the page.

This helps the website readers, but it also helps the person who owns the site because Google pays the website owner every time that someone clicks one of those ads in the AdSense banner.

AdSense Arbitrage teaches readers how to maximize income from hosting AdSense ads on their websites.

Brad says that this book sells for upwards of $97 because it is THAT good!

I want you to have this book free, just for checking out Keyword Elite.

BONUS #2: Google AdWords Made Easy

Google AdWords is the complement of Google AdSense.

In case you have never heard of AdWords, this is Google’s program for letting people buy ads that appear in AdSense banners and that appear at Google.

I am sure that you have seen AdWords ads. Almost every time that you search for something at Google, you will see one or more AdWords advertisements in the right-hand column of the Google search-results page.

Anyone who has something to advertise can get an AdWords account, define an AdWords “campaign” (as Google calls it), and launch the campaign to display the ads at Google or in AdSense banners.

A Google AdWords ad appears at Google according to what the advertiser is willing to pay — known as the “bid” — and according to keywords that the advertiser chooses as the “triggers” for the appearance of the ad.

Similarly, an AdWords ad appears in an AdSense banner based on the bid and the keywords but specifically as those keywords relate to the context of the AdSense banner.

Google AdWords Made Easy, written by Brad Callen, teaches readers how to maximize income from their AdWords campaigns.

Brad says about this book, (quote) “I’m 100% confident in saying that this course is more comprehensive than ‘almost’ all of the paid Adwords courses on the market.” (unquote).

I want you to have this book free, too, just for checking out Keyword Elite.

If you would like to have these two books, then just tell me where to send them:

To prevent spammers from using the above form to generate unwanted email to people, I have to ask you to take two more steps:

1. Be sure to look in your email inbox for a message from me with “Response Required: Please confirm your request for information.” in the subject line.
2. Then follow the link in the message to learn more about Keyword Elite and to download the two free books.

Thanks, and happy reading!

I have yet another book to recommend.

It is titled 103 Words that will make YOU A well-rounded Conversationalist!.

As with 101 Words … and 102 Words … by Kim Rogers, this book would be a wonderful gift for a teenager or adult.

“Comestible” is one of the words in this book and is a good example of the value of learning another language.

“Comer” is the Spanish verb for “to eat”; “comestible” in Spanish means edible or comestible in English.

So, although “comestible” in Spanish is pronounced differently than “comestible” in English, these two words with identical meanings have identical spellings.

In other words, “comestible” is a Spanish/English true cognate.

This book contains many words that are not at the tip of my tongue. I recognized all of them but would have failed at correctly providing all of their definitions.

So, as with 101 Words … and 102 Words …, I can imagine some of these words appearing on an SAT exam.

And, as with 101 Words … and 102 Words …, the price is right, too.

No matter whether English is your native language or is a foreign language, I highly recommend that you read what the author says about this book and then buy it!

This term has generated at least two plausible speculations about its origin.

Contrary to the first impression at hearing or reading the term, a ten-gallon hat does not hold ten gallons. Such a hat would best befit a clown, not a cowboy.

No, “ten-gallon” does not refer to the internal volume of the hat.

Instead, there are at least two possible origins to the term.

Both origins are from Spanish, both origins relate to distinguishing this type of hat from a sombrero, and both origins represent the effect of an outsider’s perspective in hearing a foreign-language term and corrupting it into something in the listener’s native tongue (in this case, English).

The first possible origin is based on the idea that a “ten-gallon hat” is for the upper classes, in contrast to the lowly sombrero for the lower classes. Upper-class cowboys were considered to be more gallant than commoners. The phrase “so gallant” in English is expressed as “tan galán” in Spanish.

If you “squint your ears” at the sound of “tan galán”, you easily could get “ten gallon” in English.

The second possible origin is based on the fact that a vaquero — Spanish for “cowboy” — would be awarded for cowboy expertise a narrow band, often braided, around the crown of the hat. Ten of these narrow bands on one hat represented the ultimate in cowboy skills. The Spanish word “galón” refers to such a band; “galones” is the plural of this word.

A non-Spanish-speaking, native-English-speaking listener could easily misinterpret “galones” into “gallons”.

The other meaning of “galón” is, in fact, “gallon”, so a native-English speaker with a knowledge of this primary definition of “galón” could easily interpret “diez galones” as “ten gallons” instead of “ten bands”.

I thought about these nouns after seeing what I considered to be a misuse of one of them the other day.

Problem:
Many people are confused about which noun to use for which group of people.

Explanation:
My wife received in the mail two days ago a publication by her undergraduate and graduate-school alma mater.

The publication had a page devoted to one of its graduates.

The graduate was a woman, and the title on the page was “Alumni Profile” followed by her name.

I consider “Alumni” in the title to be inappropriate. I would have used “Alumna” instead. Here is the explanation.

The noun “alumnus” means a male graduate or former student of a particular university, college, or school.

The noun “alumna” means a female graduate or former student of a particular university, college, or school.

The noun “alumni” means male graduates or former students of a particular university, college, or school.

The noun “alumnae” means female graduates or former students of a particular university, college, or school.

Many colleges and universities use “alumni” to refer to males and females. This is analogous to the use of the masculine plural form in Spanish when referring to a group of only males or to a group of males and females.

Historically female colleges and universities that now accept males take a different tack: they use “alumnae and alumni” or “alumnae/i” to refer to their collective group of female and male graduates.

Solution:
Use “alumna” for a woman. Use “alumnae” for a group of women. Use “alumnus” for a man. Use “alumni” for a group of men or for a group of men and women. Never call an individual “an alumni” of a school, college, or university.